As requested
Thank you to everyone who left comments, sent emails, tweets and other messages. I cannot tell you all how much they meant to me. There are a couple of you who I will be telephoning when I’m able to get more than half-way through a sentence without dissolving into tears.
In acknowledging how horrendous the experience was, however, I don’t mean to minimise my gratitude and love for my new son. There is an odd sort of parallel-lines thing going on with my feelings, with me looking at him in wonder and adoration on one line, and falling to bits at all I feel that he and I lost on the other. It’s all very complex; Merry’s description of being “lost in a well of sadness” rings very true with me, although at times I feel like I’m the bucket in the well - going up and down and sometimes dry and sometimes drowning, and not in control of any of it.
Anyway, photos were demanded, so here’s one, and if you click on it, you’ll find a bunch more:
Posts
Awe!! beautiful boy you have there.
It’s going to take time, and I guess you just have to give yourself as much time as you need, not let anyone else tell you how long the process takes.
He is gorgeous, thanks for posting the photos
totally gorgeous!
He is gorgeous and already looking so much like the others! Love the expression on Tobys face in some of those pics, like he isn’t really sure that its a baby! You will need to take your time working through your feelings but one thing I want to assure you of is that the baby hasn’t lost out on anything, he is here safe and it doesn’t matter in the slightest to him how he got here. It does matter to you, you have lost out in a big way and no-one can make that better for you but he hasn’t, he has his Mummy, he has his breastmilk and thats all he needs. He will never know the difference. You might well feel it forever but he won’t so don’t be sad for him, he doesn’t mind. I hope everything is getting a little less sore and you can move without wincing. Can recommend sticking a sanitary towel on the inside on your knicks facing the wound, it stops everything rubbing a little bit tho I guess it might not help with the vertical one (((hugs)))
Oh yes he is adorable! I love the main pic you posted. Making me all the more broody for my own little one. Does he have a name yet?
oh Deb, he is adorable!! Many congratulations. and lots of hugs to you me dear, I feel your pain.
Love to you all,
Esther
Oh Deb - he is so beautiful - what a stunning family you have.
{{{hugs}}}
Lucy
x
He is so gorgeous! I’m guessing you’re still in a lot of discomfort (even pain) so as you heal physically and a bit of time has passed you will hopefully find you feel less up and down and out of control. Keep on enjoying him. He looks quite scoop-up-able if you were able to scoop
Spelling doesn’t look right there . . .
He’s absolutely lovely! Remembering the pain of emergency CS though and feeling for you xx (and hoping you’re not taking any diagnoses/prognoses at face value, having myself been ordered many times since the age of 15 not to have any children, any more children, etc etc, yada yada or else I’d be risking all sorts of dire consequences, none of which happened and still as healthy as the day is long. One dr told me “Wombs don’t heal” !! and I’d always have to have CSs after the first one. Totally not true, obviously!
)
Oh he’s just gorgeous!
I could just squidge him all up!have you decided on a name yet ?
I remember only too well the horrible aftermath of my awful birth experience. You are expected to be alright, expected to be grateful, happy etc but you frankly want to shout, scream and sob, turn the clock back.. anything! That doesnt mean you dont absolutely adore your baby… if people suggest otherwise to you or that its “all in the past” tell them ( as politely or not.. as you wish) to take a hike!
You will need lots of time to get yourself back together and Im sure your friends reading will all understand that
Keep looking after yourself
Lots of love
Jen xx
He’s so beautiful!
More hugs,
Michele in VA
Hello Deb, Congratulations on your new beautiful baby boy!
I haven’t commented on your blog before but we have exchanged comments on the homebirth list (years ago). Your courage and wisdom have often been an inspiration to me.
Kate
Hello,
Huge congratulations on the birth of your gorgeous baby son.
Well done!!
My friend had some complications with the birth of her sixth baby and had,had babies at home,she also had a c section. She cried a lot but also in the joy of it all.
You sound to be in a good place with it all,it is very traumatic when things go so differently to how you’d expected though. I hope you can be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal from the pain physically and from the shock.
I really relate to the panic, I had a loooooooooong labour with my fourth son,they said it was shoulder asfixcia (sorry awful spelling!!). He looked like a square!! I lost it at home and transferred to hospital where I had a bit of help with ventouse. I guess having a beautiful little face to look into really helps get through those very teary days.
Hope you don’t mind me contributing, I’m new to blogger!
Blessings, Sianne.xx
What beautiful pics, and beautiful son(s)! Take care, and hope you are starting to heal. “Lost in a well of sadness” reminds me of “the depths of despair” - I hope you find your way out through your lovely family.
Meredith (from NB)