The Very Short Version
As regulars will know, we’d planned a home waterbirth. After five previous good births, four of them at home, we weren’t expecting what we got.
After I’d laboured at home through Saturday afternoon and evening, Scratchy phoned the midwives in the early hours of Sunday - I was no longer coping well with contractions and things were taking a lot longer than he’d expected. The midwives arrived and found me panicky and out of control. They could feel no presenting part, and recommended we transfer to hospital. I was past caring, and an ambulance was called.
When we arrived at the hospital, I was taken straight to the operating theatre. An ultrasound scan showed the baby to be head-down, but with the head still very high. We spent the next few hours continuing to try everything we could to get the baby moving downwards, but it never moved further and I never dilated past 3cm. Eventually, after about nine hours in theatre, and about two hours of the doctors trying to convince me to agree to a c-section, and it becoming more and more clear that the baby was getting distressed and things weren’t getting any further along, I signed the consent form. The two midwives who’d been with me at home had stayed throughout, and I remember one of them telling me she was surprised they hadn’t done this hours ago. Everything swung into action very fast - Scratchy wasn’t even gowned up - and within minutes I’d had a spinal block and was draped and the surgery was started.
I remember lots of pulling at my abdomen, then Scratchy leaning in close to me and saying “it’s a boy”, then the consultant’s voice saying “put her out” - and that’s all I knew until about 2.5 hours later.
When the surgeon cut into my lower uterus, the first thing they found was a huge fibroid, about the size of a cricket-ball, right over the cervix. That’s what caused all the problems - there was no way the baby could move down with that there. Had it not been there, I suspect he’d have been born between midnight and 3am, when we transferred to hospital.
They cut the fibroid away, and lifted the baby out - and my uterus tore downwards from the incision. After so many hours of labour, the whole uterus was very thin. That was when I was given a general anaesthetic, and a complicated surgical repair-job begun.
I’m told the baby wasn’t in very good shape when he was born, but he seems to have recovered quite quickly - his apgars were 8 and 9 and 1 and 5 minutes. He’s beautiful, and healthy, and I’m glad to have him. And I’m alive, and I know that the c-section was absolutely necessary. But I’m still in a lot of pain, and the physical recovery is going to take a while - and my emotional coming-to-terms with all of this is going to take even longer.
I’ve been told that if I ever had another baby, going into labour would not be an option. Although I had not planned to have any more babies anyway, that still feels like a loss - that the decision has been taken out of my hands.
I know my health and that of the baby are important, and I’m glad that he’s well and I know that I will be, eventually - but there’s so much more that I’m going to have to work through in my head, so much to come to terms with. This couldn’t have been very much further from what we’d planned, what we’d expected.
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(((Deb))) Been there in very similar circumstances. Remember the feelings very well. I didn’t think I’d ever get over them but of course I did, as you will. Sending much love and many congratulations for your new son xxx
Love and hugs to you Deb. I had a very similar scenario, without the fibroid complication, but a baby in distress needing to get out quick. In some ways it is like a bereavement and you have to mourn the loss of your perfect natural birth in the same way as you mourn the loss of a family member, the only difference being that you have had major surgery and have a newborn to look after at the same time - it is a huge thing to deal with, so don’t expect a lot of yourself.
Be very gentle with yourself and accept any help offered, allow yourself time to heal and you will eventually come to terms with it, I did, but it took a while.
At the same time you have a healthy little boy, and that is much to give thanks for. Congratulations to you both on your lovely new son. Enjoy your little boy and heal safely. xxx
Deb,
My heart goes out to you. How traumatic. Congratulations on a healthy boy and just making it through all of that. I guess there is at least the joy of the new baby to soften the edges of the grief. Take your time and when you can, spit it all out. I imagine it will be a complex process. For now, let your body heal. And let your eyes feast on the baby.
Big, big, hugs coming your way. Sending peaceful energy your way.
Oh my goodness, I just realized: 6 boys! Wow. Your household must be lively.
Congrats on your new baby boy xx
I went through an emergency c section and for me the emotional aftermath was hardest to cope with.It is so hard just now as the emotions are so raw.As Gill said it seems impossible to deal with but in time healing happens.
Sending (((hugs)))
Huge hugs Debs, what a roller coaster you have been on, I hope you are feeling much better soon, both physically and mentally. You have been such a source of support and inspiration for so many - I just wish I was nearer so I could offer some practical help.
Huge congratulations on the birth of your baby boy.
Oh Deb *hugs* I am tearing up as I read this, it has brought so many memories of my ds#4’s delivery. BUT, you WILL get through it. A mama of 6 boys, God knows you are tough stuff!
And congratulations on ds#6! What a blessing. Cant wait to find out his name! I suspect he is every bit as beautiful as his brothers.
God bless you all
Nic x
Just so glad to hear you are both well now–I think we’ve all been a bit worried. I’ve been down that c-section/future births taken away route–so I know the pain you are feeling, and hope it diminishes over time. Take care and let everyone help you–you do need to recover physically, as well as emotionally.
Enjoy your lovely new little guy! I know you will both bring much joy to each other!
looking forward to photos!
Sending you all the love and healing vibes you deserve. Take your time and I’ll be thinking of you.
Welcome to the world to your latest little man,big kisses.
I had a C section with J and then gave birth brilliantly to B years later but then had a c section with A because the docs and hospital messed up so much and got me so stressed ( well and my ex and his mummy……all their behaviour is noted to have been the cause of my pnd…but I dont wanna go there…stresses me out)
Though I hated the idea of giving birth to A by c section what I now do is put it down as another experience…in that I was awake when I had her and had the experience of a surgeon cutting into my and feeling all the tugging. It really is a very strange sensation isnt it.
Just take your time in the recovery and let everyone else do the work etc for you. As someone else said “enjoy the little guy” cant wait to see pics of him. Glad you are both ok
It’s good to hear from you - it clearly had to be something pretty serious to keep you quiet for so long, so I’m glad to hear that the babe is well and that your life isn’t in danger! I’m sure you’re right about the recovery taking a long while, but you’ll get there.
Since this is a public blog, I’ll post a link to it on homebirthUK; hope that’s OK. I know a lot of people will want to hear news of you and wish you well.
So glad you and your baby son are on the mend - what a traumatic time you both had. Take all the time you need to heal - you are in my thoughts and prayers right now - as are the rest of your family.
Safe healing…
Lucy
xxx
hugs for not having the birth you wanted but glad everyone is safe and well. Do I need to tell you to take it easy and look after yourself? Well, I will anyway, TAKE IT EASY and LOOK AFTER YOURSELF!
Dear Deb,
You poor, poor thing - what a thing to have to go through when it was so far from what you expected.
From my woefully vast experience of these things, i can promise you that when you’ve begun to suck some strength back, you will get some comfort from the fact that it was unavoidable and that that will help. Of course, i only know what a necessary section feels like in comparison to an unnecessary one, but i do believe it will help you to process it.
When birth turns into a trauma, there is a lot of stuff to work through - and nobody really understands how that feels till it happens, i don’t think. So once you feel like moving your legs again, make sure you kick anyone in the groin if they tell you to just be happy you both did okay. It might be true, but it doesn’t make it any sodding better at all.
I lost the few hours after Josie was born, i just don’t remember them because i lost so much blood, so even though i didn’t have a general, i do sympathise with that and all i can say, which you know already, is that i learned to just gently put it all to one side a bit and focus on enjoying my baby for those first weeks when hormones make it all so much harder to begin to feel rational about stuff. It had to be done consciously, that putting aside, but it did help, and i think it lessened the impact a little. I lost my birth and my self belief and my dignity and my faith, but i didn’t lose the precious first few days with my baby.
And i am so very sorry for the implied “loss that is to come” - it is those comments, so well meant but so badly timed, that produce the rage and the grief. It made me want to kill people when they told me things like that, when i was already lost in a well of sadness over what had just happened.
Thinking of you all the time - and just on the end of the phone or an email if you need it.
No wise words (though Merry’s sound very wise, so I’d go back and read those again, instead, if I were you), just big hugs. I’m sorry it didn’t pan out the way you wanted, Deb.
R.
What a dreadful shock for you all, must be very difficult to process after such straight forward births in the past. I hope that you heal physically as quickly and as comfortably as possible, and you get the time and support to heal emotionally too. Many congratulations on the birth of your son - he sounds gorgeous,
Amber x
Grin, it comes to something when suggesting to someone who has just had major abdominal surgery that they kick and kill people counts as wise!
just hugs here for the birth you didn’t plan to have. and also gratitude from here that both you and babe are here.
i obviously am not [as usual] the right person to add much to comments.
(((deb, scratchy, boys, and babe)))
I’ve followed your posts on the yahoo group over the past months. I cant offer anything practical but I have been & am thinking of you & sending my love. x x x
Just hugs from me too! I am very glad that you both are here! xx
Awww Deb - huge hugs to you and sending heal quick vibes. So glad to hear that despite all the trauma you’re ok as is the babe. Big snugs coming your way brave lady!
Merry says it all. I will recommend these http://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/ for when you are ready but it will probably take a while. Love and hugs to you all.
Oh Deborah, I have so many conflicting feelings on reading this story, I can’t imagine what you must be feeling. I’m so glad that he’s here safely, but I wish things had been different for you. I still want to jump up and down and squeak with joy for this fresh new life you brought into the world. Enjoy him- these first few days go too fast anyhow.
(((Deb)))
I think of you often, always remembering how encouraging you were to me. You’re strong!
Sending good thoughts and virtual hugs,
Michele in Virginia
As much as I may joke about GAs for the birth experience being the way to go I was completely traumatised from my first section. I didn’t seek help until about 10 months after, I should have done it way before. So understand how you feel and wish you all the best in your recovery and the baby’s continued good health
Congratulations on another healthy son Deb. I hope you are feeling better soon. It must have been awfully scary for you, but if ANYONE knows their intervention was necessary it’s you. Doesn’t mean it’s not disappointing though aye? Anyway, hope you’re taking it easy and coming to terms!
Oh Deb:-( how awful. But theimportant thing is you are both alive and healthy. Don’t blame you from backing off from everything. You’ll need all your energy for yourself and your family. Will be thinking of you always while you’re away from fluff. Take care, God bless you all. love Daisy
*Huge hugs* Sounds very traumatic, and I don’t doubt that it’s something you will need to fully process and in your own good time. I’m just hugely glad that you’re both OK, and look forwards to photos of your new little one :o)
Deb,
I know you’ve gone no mail while recuperating. I’m sorry that your birth experience was so traumatic, especially after having had successful births at home. I’m relieved to know that you are recuperating and that your new baby boy is doing well. I look forward to your return to internet communications when you’re ready.
HUGS,
Jennifer (NB)
Oh Deb, I am so sorry to hear that this birth was such a traumatic experience. I am glad that your baby boy is healthy and I wish you a speedy recovery.
Deb and Family–
I am very sorry to hear of the trauma that touched such a joyous occasion as the birth of a beautiful boy. I hope that you and he have a much gentler recovery time. You are in our prayers.
Katrina
Oh Deb! So sorry for all the trauma but I’m so grateful that both you and your boy are healthy now. I wish you a speedy recovery!
what they all said, and just adding love and hugs of my own for all of you.
Congratulations on your new son, and I’m sorry the birth was so far from what you’d planned. Please take all the time you can to recover both physically and emotionally, and I hope you have lots of practical and supportive help.
And in the event you do have another baby, I know that you’re strong-willed enough not to accept the hospital’s word at face value regarding labour!
((Debs))) Sorry it didn’ t go the way you wanted but I am glad you and your baby boy are O.K.
At the risk of Merry kicking me on your behalf when I next see her I’ll just say that the plan was for you to have another healthy baby and that’s what you’ve got. Hoping you feel better (and unpright) soon. Many congratulations. Enjoy him xx
Congrats on your new little one! I’m sorry his birth was so traumatic. Give it time and get lots of rest and you will heal, both physically and emotionally. Talk with someone who has been in your shoes. Many people don’t understand that the birth itself can be so traumatic for the mother. They see it as the means to an end, but it IS traumatic and it can be psychologically damaging. Seek therapy if you need to. My first child’s birth was traumatic for me and it wasn’t even a c-section. It took several years for me to come to terms with it and many people didn’t understand why I was still talking about it.
And, as an EMT and a paramedic student, I hope they were kind to you. Too many EMTs and paramedics rush to intervene too much in OB situations because they are rare calls. I hope they treated you with respect and kindness.
Congratulations to you all on the birth of your new son. Hope you get time, space and support to process all the rest. Looks like there are plenty of people here who can offer that.
Deb - so sorry things didn’t go to plan. Also thrilled to hear that your DS6 came out of this ok and hoping that you are on the mend. Please take as much time as you need to sort out your thoughts - I can only imagine how painful this whole experience has been for you.
Kay
Just adding more congrats and hugs and thoughts and you-know-where-I-ams… (except that I have limited putering access atm)
And welcome! Does he have a name yet??
Firstly, congratulations. Second, I’m so relieved you are both safe and sound - like everyone else I’d been worrying.
Thirdly, take the good advice of your many friends here!
I mourn with you for the way it didn’t go, and I know just what you mean about having the decision about having any more being taken away…
Sending love, hugs, healing vibes and prayers your way.
ps PHOTOS PLEASE!
healing thoughts and many gentle cyber hugs.
Huge congrats to you all on your new arrival, I cant wait to see his piccies!
My first birth was just as yours except that I was shoved under as fast as poss and missed it all, I identified very much with your description and feelings!
be good to yourself, lots of babymooning if poss and lots and lots of resting and bonding time. Youve been through a real ordeal, take care and lots of good wishes to you all
xxxx Jen
((((Deb))))
Everyone else has put what I was going to say so much more eloquently than I ever could.
Thinking of you and your family. You know how to reach me if you want to chat.
Lisa B xxxxxxx
Glad you both OK. Congratulations! Elle
Goodness me what a time you’ve had, I’m pleased you have your little darling and that he’s come thorough it ok, how scary.
You’ll be in our prayers, take care.
dawniy xxx
Many congratulations on your new boy. i can understand that you are exhausted and need time to heal and to think things through. I have never had the joy of giving birth only c/s and would really recommend drinking lots of water and having lots of rest - you have had complicated major surgery. Easier said than done but let people help you and use that time to just be with your babe - getting your strength back is the first step on the road to dealing with what happened.
Much love
Suzanna (hbuk)
just wanted to say im so sorry the birth didnt go as planned. Hugs and best wishes and as everyone else has said, take plenty of time to rest and come to terms with what happened.
So pleased both you and the baby are ok
congratulations, cant wait to see photos
Angela x
Thinking of you all, glad that you’re both OK.
Hugs.
Deb, just big hugs {{{{}}}} for the not very nice experience, but a big congratulations for babys safe arrival.
Dear Heart,
you don’t know me, but I am on the yahoo positive discipline group. Prayers and love to you all. I know it may not seem like much consolation right now, but do celebrate and appreciate the four home births you had - so many women don’t get to experience that. Sorry for the difficulties of this last birth, but yay for a healthy son #6. Wow!
This comment is from Naomi, from the PPD email list.
What a journey! You are a brave and amazing mama. I wish you a safe and *boring* recovery — no surprises. Warmest congratulations on the arrival of your precious son! I’m so glad he’s here.
Deborah - Congratulations on the birth of your son. I am so sorry that you had such a traumatic birth experience and I’ll be praying for you as you work through your emotions and coming to terms with the outcome. I remember having to work through my disappointment at the events of my first birth being so traumatic and not at all what we’d planned. I am so glad that you are okay and that it you are on the path to recovery and that your precious boy is okay. Lots of love, Margo
Deborah- Congratulations on your newest addition! So sorry that your birth was traumatic for you physically and emotionally. Sending you lots of healing vibes mama.
Hi Deb,
Came by here to see if there was any news on the baby front. Glad to hear your little boy is safe and well. Does he have a name yet? We are seriously struggling with boys names and we only have 2 boys so far. Our baby is doing ok, 17 weeks and blowing kisses at us on the scan. Cant wait to see some photos of the new addition! In the meantime, look after yourself.
Hazel
Congratulations on your new little boy
So very sorry that you have this for your last birth experience. Unplanned sections stink, and they do take a lot of time and gentleness to come to terms with, I’m not sure we ever truly *get over them*. Re the well meaning folk and their *but at least you have a healthy baby* hmm, yes, been there, done that, it’s not helpful and they can make you feel like you are being petulant - you’re not!!! Your feelings are valid and to be taken seriously. Be gentle with yourself. Very much love xxxx
Deborah:
I read your post over on yahoo and had to come over and say something. Congratulations on the birth of your new little guy. Glad to hear that despite the trauma he is doing so well. Enjoy this time with him as you heal emotionally and physically.
Best wishes to you and your family.
All will be well, all will be well and all manner of things will be well.
Wishing you peace - and joy - with your newborn son. Congratulations! Welcome to the world little one.
I’m sad for you that things did not go as planned - but your birth story tells us that in this case intervention was absolutely necessary and couldnt have been avoided. I’m sending you calming, peaceful vibes as you recover and get to know the newest man in your life.
best wishes
Caroline
HI Deb
So sorry to hear that things were traumatic for you both, but glad to see you are both now on the mend. Sending positive vibes for the upset and pain.
And… Congratulations on the birth of your new baby!!! Now there are two of us who have six gorgeous sons. There is something very special about it for some reason as I’m sure you are already finding out.
Lxx
Congratulations on your new little boy Deb :o))
I’m sorry the birth went so askew, and was so traumatic. Gentle (((((hugs))))) from. Have been thinking of you.