Not Really Coping
We spoke to Barney on the phone this morning. Although he said things were okay, he still sounds low, and we’ve had an email this evening telling us that he’s withdrawn and does not show enthusiasm for things the family is doing, and does not seem to be trying to speak French. I know Barney is a perfectionist; he doesn’t like to do things unless he’s confident he can do them right, and I also get the feeling he’s holding his feelings in - perhaps he thinks if he opens up it will be too much for him, or for someone else, to cope with.
I’ve been looking at my blog posts from back in October, when Henry had been here about the same length of time that Barney has been in France; certainly this was the most difficult part of his time here for us, and I think for him too. So maybe the timing is part of it too - but it’s not going to improve if he isn’t making an effort.
Maybe we should have done Wife Swap instead; dancing on a bar couldn’t be as hard as this 
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oh, (((Deb)))
really hope Barney and you can get through this difficult time.
I guess dancing on a bar would have been over quicker …
Probably much quicker; knowing me, I’d likely fall off the bar!
Oh goodness :(Does the group give any support at all? Do they have any sort of local counsellors that he could talk to if admitting he is unhappy to the family is too hard for him?
Hugs Debs, it must be so very hard.
They do give lots of support; they’re constantly reminding families that they are there by phone and email if there are any problems. Things are sounding a little better now; I really hope this is just a timing thing, something to be got through before the good stuff, if you see what I mean.
Ignore this if it is rude/patronising/unhelpful - it is meant in a spirit of friendship. I just want to say that if this were my child I’d remind them that realising that something is not for them, is causing them pain, or is too much for them just now, is just as much of an achievement as sticking it out.
Hope things improve - whatever happens.
Not rude or anything else negative at all, Allie. He does know that if he decides it’s too hard, he can come home. We talked about that before he went, and that at least he’d know he gave it his best shot. I think - and hope - that this is just part of the process of getting settled, if that makes sense.
Your post struck a chord with me and I feel for Barney. I spent a whole month in Italy when I was 15, with only GCSE level Italian. I didn’t really like the girl I was on exchange with, we had nothing in common. I liked her mum though, although her mum had no English at all, and her dad could only say Gary Lineker (it was during the 1990 world cup).
The thing is I wasn’t really homesick, I was just dead scared of sounding really stupid if I spoke Italian, so I only talked to my exchange partner in English (her English was very good) and allowed her to speak for me. I was much more of a perfectionist then. I had to talk myself into talking and out of my shyness/fear of making mistakes, as I really didn’t want to “waste” the opportunity, but the visit was more than half over before I came out of my shell, so to speak. People would have thought I was withdrawn. What made me more confident with my language skills while I was there was reading simple comic strip books with lots of colloquial dialogue that were lying around the house and listening to people of different generations speaking ie much older and much younger - as they tended to use less slang and were really trying to include me. It was a steep learning curve and within a week there was no stopping me - people commented that I’d even picked up the Tuscan accent and I cried all the plane journey home!
Chances are Barney will at some point decide that he has to take the plunge and his mood at the moment could be part of the process iyswim. At least he’ll have more than a couple of weeks left to enjoy the results, unlike me! On top of the language issue, he is without a doubt missing you all terribly, you are so much closer when you HE - I wasn’t HE AND I was used to being away from home ( boarding school) AND I didn’t get on well with my own family, and I was slightly older.
So, perhaps just like for Henri at the same stage, this is a kind of crucial period of adjustment inevitable in this type of situation. Difficult for everyone to go through, but necessary and hopefully self-limiting.
Sorry this has turned into a bit of a ramble. Have a hug from me too.
Thank you for your ramble, Claire
- I hope you’re right that Barney will take the plunge. He does certainly like to know he can get things right before he tries them. He’s not actually allowed to speak English - after the first couple of weeks the child isn’t supposed to hear or speak anything in their native language at all. Although I think there might currently be some conflict in the relationship between Barney and Henry, I know he’s not with people he dislikes. I hope this is just a period of adjustment. And 
at Gary Lineker!
Yes, here’s hoping he settles in soon.