Stretching Their Wings
People are talking about us on other blogs…
Parent1 has shocked people by sending one of her offspring to school 
and, when challenged by Merry she defended herself by saying that at least she wasn’t sending her to France for six months
(Lots of winking smilies there, just in case anyone takes offence!)
Well okay, that wasn’t quite how the conversation went, but Barney’s upcoming adventure got dragged in, and it was pointed out (quite validly) that it could be seen as a much bigger deal than going off to school. And indeed, while Barney is in France, he will be living with a school-using family, and thus going to school. In France.
And yes, it seems like a Very Big Deal Indeed. When I’m not carefully avoiding thinking about it, that is. Mostly I’m in denial. But sometimes… well, sometimes I’m in bits instead.
And yes, people have been commenting on it. Reactions have been varied: everything from “wow! what an opportunity!” to “but how could you!” I think most of the people who think we’re absolutely nuts were already convinced of that though. Nobody has said anything here on the blog (except for a couple of “eek” comments) - but I’m opening up the floor to anyone who wants to have their say now.
Barney is very calm about the whole thing, and quite certain that he wants to go. He has been a bit emotional over small things in the last week or two though, and I suspect part of the reason for that is nerves. As for the going-to-school bit, he’s looking forward to seeing what it’s like, and while I’m hoping he enjoys that aspect of it, I’m also hoping he doesn’t come back requesting to go to school here.
We have no concerns about the family he’ll be part of in France. Although we’ve only spent one weekend with Henry’s sister and parents, we felt comfortable with them very quickly, and we aren’t at all worried that they’ll be inadequate parents to him or anything like that. Henry’s sister is lovely and it will be a new experience for Barney to have a sister. And of course we’ve had Henry here, living with us, for the last four months, and he will be with Barney to, I hope, offer him support.
I think it’s inevitable that there will be times when Barney is homesick and unhappy. I hope that, as with Henry, those times will be short-lived, and that he will be enjoying himself too much to spend much time feeling like that. I think he will struggle a bit with some aspects of school: speaking French all the time (obviously - though I think he’ll learn quickly); having far less control over what and when he studies than he’s used to; spending long days away from home; having much less time to himself than he’s used to; and taking notes in class. That last one might seem an odd thing, but his handwriting is slow and unclear. Or maybe it’s just something for me to focus my anxieties on.
On the other hand, I recognise what an incredible opportunity this is for him. He will return fluent in French, but he will also have experienced life in another country, another culture. These are things I believe everyone should experience. It is true that travel broadens the mind, and it is only when you have lived in a different culture for a time that you realise what that really means. So I am pleased that Barney will have this chance.
I hope that it will also make him a stronger and more confident person. I expect he will have to do some fast growing-up, and while that has shades of “in at the deep end”, I think he’s ready for it. I’m proud that he has decided to do this; I really don’t know if I’d have had the… well, the whatever-it-takes, to do something like this at twelve years old. And if you’d asked me a few months ago, I wouldn’t have predicted that Barney would go - take note, Merry 
Over the years we’ve been home-educating, it has occasionally crossed my mind that by keeping our children so close to us, we might be preventing them from reaching out. Those thoughts have never lasted long - it’s clear to anyone who meets them that they are sociable and interested in other people and the world at large - but just once in a while, I’ve wondered. I suppose that Barney’s willingness to head off to France without us puts those thoughts firmly to bed.
As for the rest of us, we’ll miss him desperately. Don’t expect any sense out of me for some time after he leaves, because I’ll be on the floor in the fetal position.
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I’ll post you some Kleenex babe
Let’s just hope Barney’s 6 months away go as quickly as Henry’s. Can’t imagine what it’ll be like for you, but I’m sure it will be amazing for him, and he’s going to come home *so* grown up! I think his decision is a credit to you and your family.
I would have thought that however much you’re hoping Barney doesn’t come back wanting to go to school, Henry’s parents are hoping Henry doesn’t want home education about ten times more… (Is it even legal in France? I know it’s not everywhere)
As far as note-taking goes - he’s only twelve, isn’t he? I don’t remember much expectation of that sort of thing at that age. Really, not much before A Level, and only at degree level did people routinely expect you to write down what they were saying. It’s more likely to be talk about it, then answer the questions, I would have thought. Of course, French education could be completely different, and I haven’t been twelve for a couple of decades myself, so I’m guessing.
I’m not sure of the legal situation re HE in France, but I know it’s not an option for Henry’s family anyway. That said, he’s already stated that he’d prefer to HE than go to school.
Note-taking - well, I suppose I really mean that there’s more written work required in school than HE. Anything Barney has to write takes ages, and I don’t think he’s going to have ages…
I think I see both sides as well, like Alison, I can’t imagine how you’ll feel (something of the ‘oh but how *could* you) reaction, but at the same time it really is a fantastic opportunity for him and he’s going into it having had the experience of Henry being with you, which is surely the better end, iyswim, at least the boys know one another well already.
fwiw, I was really worried about my girls’ writing when they started school here, as that was the one thing we’d not laboured at home, but they seem to have just picked it up - well Abbie still finds it hard and is a bit slowb ut apparently no slower than some of her classmates - but Anna just seemed to take off with it, and practice has made perfect, iyswim. Not perfect, obviously, but much much more quick and fluid than it was before!
When is he actually going? The 6 months with Henry here do seem to have gone very quickly!
They’ll be leaving at the end of February; Barney’s been here almost four months now (because he came a bit later than usual, his stay will be just under six months).
I hope you’re write on the righting thing
If it’s what he wants to do, I think it’s great that you’re letting him. A huge and painful sacrifice on your part and a brilliant opportunity on his. Lucky Barney!
Oh, and I’m not *sending* her, I’m just *facilitating*
Hey!?!?! Where’d my comment go?
I don’t know, Merry - it’s not in moderation.
Hi there,
Given the interest people are showing in this subject, we would like to react to the different comments we have read. We are Henry’s parents and we experienced the same reactions from people around than Deb. Some of them make you doubt, some of them are encouraging, but at the end it’s up to you and first of all to the child to make your own decision. In our opinion the experience Henry and Robert are living is a fantastic opportunity to bring more respect and tolerance towards other cultures and behaviours. Of course, it was difficult and hard to say good bye to Henry knowing we won’t see him during the next 6 months. But it is a unique chance for the parents to show to their child how much they TRUST in him and we think Henry has understood this. The key of the success of such an experience is TRUST. The trust you have in your child and in the host family.
Furthermore you don’t “give up” your child. You entrust him to another family and the choice of the two families (the “weddings”) by en famille is made very seriously and with much care.
Every parent wants the best for his child, but by overprotecting him, you don’t give him the “tools” he needs in this “complexe world”. We know it’s hard to find the right balance between assistance/control and liberty to build his personality.
The time will show us, if this experience was positive for Henry (for the moment he seems to enjoy it), but even, if has had some difficult moments, that can bring a positive effect. Not only positive experiences have positive effects. There is no recipe and logic on people’s reactions (all act and react differently).
Don’t panic Deb! We perfectly know how you feel.
Hi there,
given the interest people are showing in this subject, we would like to react.
We are Henry’s parents and we experienced the same reactions from people around than Deb.
Some of them make you doubt, others are encouraging. But at the end it’s up to you and first of all to the child to make your own decision.
We think that the experience Henry and Barney are living at the moment is a fantastic opportunity and brings much respect and tolerance towards other cultures and behaviours.
In our opinion it is a unique chance for the parents to show to their children, how much they TRUST in him. And we think Henry has understood this. Because the key of the success of such an “adventure” is TRUST. Trust in your child and in the host family.
Of course, it was hard and difficult to say good-bye to Henry knowing that we wouldn’t see him for the next six months. But you don’t “give up” your child, you entrust it to another family and the choice of the 2 families to be “married” is made very seriously and with care by en famille.
Every parent wants the best for his child, but by overprotecting him, you don’t give him the best “tools” he will need in this complex world. We try to give him love, trust and self-confidence. But it’s difficult to find the right balance between assistance/control and liberty to build his personality. That’s the (difficult) art of education.
The time will show if the experience was positive for Henry (for the moment he seems to enjoy it), but even if there were difficult moments, they can bring a positive effect. Not only positive experiences bring positive effects (no logic in the way how people react, all act and react differently).
But all in all, we are proud of Henry.
So don’t’ panic Deb! We perfectly know how you feel.
Lovely to hear your side of it, thanks
Letting your child go for the first time is traumatic no matter what age they are, I reckon. But equally, it’s up to us as parents to respect their decisions and encourage them to do what seems right at the time. At twelve, Barney’s mature enough to make wise decisions and to know what he’s letting himself in for, at least to some degree. And I should think it’ll be easier for him than it was for Henry at first, since they now know each other well. Plus of course he won’t miss Christmas at home!
I think home educated children are particularly able to live and work with other people. One or two people thought our son Daniel would have a hard time working on an international ship with 350 other people of all ages and cultures, but he reckons he found it easier to adjust than many as he’s used to having friends of different ages and backgrounds. He’s also found it much easier being self-motivated, realising that it’s possible to learn anything he needs to learn (whether or not he has any past knowledge of the topic) and that he doesn’t need to be told what to do all the time. In one sense he’s in a much more structured environment than he was at home, but in another he has to do a lot of thinking and adjusting by himself.. and from what I see and hear, he’s done it pretty well.
Anyway, I know the next few months are going to be very hard for you (I reckon it’s always worst for Mum!) but you’ll know he’s benefiting so much that it’ll be worthwhile.
Hi Deb
I don’t know how I would manage to let my children go away for such a long time, but I hope that if I knew they were ready and wanting to go, that I would be able to bring myself to let them! From what I know of you, you know your family and you know what is right for them, and what isn’t, so whilst I’ve thought ‘how could you?’ it’s not been in a ‘you are an awful parent’ way but in a ‘I’m impressed you are able to hold onto your own feelings for long enough to let Barney make his own way in the world and I hope I will be able to do the same when similar situations arise for my children (thankfully a long way off at the moment!)’. Hope that makes sense!
Having said all that, our little Flopsy is going to stay with my parents for a night next weekend - apart from my night in hospital two days after having Mopsy, she hasn’t spent a night without us yet. I’m very confident she’s ready, but I am so, so going to miss her and can’t help but worry a teeny bit about her waking in the middle of the night feeling upset without us there. Thankfully my parents are wonderfully supportive of the way we do things, and Flopsy will be sleeping in their bed with them, just like she sleeps in our bed with us at home. I think Mopsy will miss her most of all! I guess Barney’s brothers will really feel his absence too
BWs
Clare
x
One aspect we hadn’t really considered until talking to other En Famille families was the impact on the other children. George will become the oldest child and it will be interesting to see the results of that; I have a feeling it will do him good. I was going to talk about the effects on siblings in my post, but didn’t seem able to write anything that made much sense at the time.