It’s that time of year again
…when (most) kids go back to school. Lots of stuff in the media about preparing them for the new school year or for transferring to secondary or for starting school, lots of people talking about the cost of uniforms - and the thing that bothers me most: lots of parents saying they can’t wait.
I know that not every parent wants to spend all day every day with their children. (Some don’t want to spend any time at all, but I’m not linking to that bored woman’s article again; it’s too depressing.) But isn’t it sad that so many parents find the school holidays so difficult? A mother I know recently said she couldn’t imagine home-educating because she couldn’t imagine spending all day with her children. She’s a nursery teacher. Why is it so much better to spend all day with other people’s children?
Barney attended primary school for nearly two years. In the August after his first year, there were a couple of weeks when the children (three then, aged 5.5, 3 and 1) were making me crazy. My mother said this was normal, that everybody found the school holidays difficult and it would all settle down once they were back in school. That seems to be the accepted wisdom.
When Barney was in his second year of school, George was in a nursery group for 2.5 hours a day. He finished at 11.45, and I often used to find myself hurrying to pick him up - even if I was early. I just couldn’t wait to get there to see him again. And then, approaching 2 p.m., I’d do the same when going for Barney. It wasn’t uncommon for me to have the prime parking space outside the school - I was nearly always one of the first parents to arrive!
I love spending time with my children. I like getting a break sometimes, but most of the time I’d much rather be with my children than without them. So why do so many parents seem to feel so differently?
Are most children really so unpleasant to spend time with? And if they are, why?
Are parents unable to connect with their children? And if so, why?
What has happened to make it so hard for parents and children to enjoy each other’s company?
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I think the received wisdom is that you’re not SUPPOSED to spend time with your children. You’re SUPPOSED to send them to school/nursery/child-minder all day every day, while you do “proper” things, adult things, financially lucrative and intellectually stimulating things. If we all went around liking to be with our kids, how would the government persuade us out of the house and into the workforce? I suspect that a lot more people like to be with their kids than are prepared to admit it - even to themselves. If you admit it, then look at how often you actually get to do it, it would be pretty depressing in the vast bulk of cases.
There are a few things I think about this issue:
1. If you’ve brought your children up the way a lot of parents nowadays do bring their children up, they may actually not be all that pleasant to spend time with at all! Ok, that sounds awful, but I’m basing it on the increasing numbers of reports in the press about the ‘youth of today’; how rude and unpleasant they are; how teachers can’t control them because there is no discipline at home let alone at school etc. etc. - if increasing numbers of children are like this (for whatever reason - more tv; parents who don’t care about them; any number of things), then it’s, very sadly, unsurprising that it’s not much fun spending time with them. As you say, so many parents seem unable to connect with their children - you have been very connected with your children from the minute they were born. Remember that most parents have been under the impression that it is necessary to disconnect from their children from the minute they’re born. Why have you chosen to stay attached to yours? Because you think it’s the best thing for them? Why is it the best thing? Because it helps them grow into well adjusted, kind, pleasant, secure individuals? I could go on…
2. If a child spends a lot of time in school, away from their parents, then a lot of time in front of the tv when they get back home, or doing homework, I imagine they all go a bit loopy when they get to spend any long period of time at home - deschooling, in effect. Your children are so used to being at home that I can imagine they’re pretty chilled out people for whom being at home with you full time doesn’t go to their heads (is that the most appalling English ever? Ought I to send my children to school after all? :-P)
3. I agree with Ruth - how often do we hear of how unhealthy it is for us to want to spend time with our children? How it’s the weird, insecure mothers who continue to breastfeed for ridiculously long lengths of time (up to a year, in other words ;-))? Our culture tells us we should give birth to our babies then, as early as possible, try to get them to detach from us and become independent asap - how could we possibly do that if we actually *liked* being with them? My Grandma often mentions how important it is to ‘let them grow up’ and not try to ‘keep them a baby’ when referring to my ‘extended’ breastfeeding. How insecure and needy we must be as mothers if we want to keep our children at home/in our beds/at our breasts for longer than the ‘norm’ - even if our children are telling us that’s what they need anyway!
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#1 doesn’t explain why people like the mother I mentioned actually enjoy spending all day with other people’s children (as their job), but don’t think they could cope with their own. I don’t think most children are unpleasant; I certainly don’t have any difficulties with the ones I know (including the children of the woman I mentioned, and including a child who has been considered massively troublesome by his school - he’s only ever like that in school, which makes me think it’s school that’s the problem, not him!)
#2 - yes, I can see that. Doesn’t make it any less sad
#3 - Don’t get me started!
Deb, your thought echo my own. I cannot tell you how many times, during summer vacation that I hear mothers whine, long *sigh* and *ugh* “I don’t know what to do with my kids all summer. They’ll drive me crazy.” Or towards the end it’s “Thank god summer vacation is over, I can’t stand another minute with ‘them.’ I find it very sad.
It isn’t the children today with the problem…it’s the adults setting the bad examples.
You’ve sparked a thought. I feel another post coming on…
I totally agree with you here. Everywhere you look there are articles on how to “survive” the holidays, how to stop kids getting “bored”, and what to do with them… Even when my older two were in school, I never felt like that - I used to look forward to the holidays to have them with me, and so we could do things together. Someone said to me the other day, “don’t you get fed up with them by the end of the day?”. I thought honestly about it, and said “no more than I did when they were in school” - and that’s true. yes there are days when I long for space and privacy, and quiet - but there used to be days like that when they were in school! Now at least if I’ve had a tough day, the lads have shared it and KNOW why mum is grumpy - and bless them, they do their best to take care of me. Instead of coming in from school to a grumpy mum and not knowing what it was they’d done wrong… I agree with Sandy, that the comments that parents make - in front of their children - are the biggest culprits. Second is the media that feeds on it.
Well the only reason I’ll be glad mine are going back will be because they might not eat quite so much LOL! A punnet of grapes a day is making serious inroads into my wallet!
Although mine are in school I do enjoy (mostly) spending time with them, I do think the holidays have gone far too quickly and I could do with another 6 weeks to enjoy them now I have got back into the swing of having them home all day and I think really thats it. You get out of the habit of paying attention to them all day, of having to be on permanent alert to respond to them and play with them and when you aren’t used to it it can be pretty exhausting (much like being a new Mum I think). Ditto for the kids, they are so used to being led from one thing to another they do get bored and not having your little clique of friends around you is weird (do you not remember that from being at school?) so you react by jumping up and down and demanding immediate and extensive attention from those around you - ie your Mum. I’m sure for most it all settles down by this far into the holidays and most of the moaning you hear is because its “the done thing” not because they mean it. I do generally get a silence when I say “Oh no, I really enjoy the holidays” (although I can understand why, my kids look very full on to the casual observer!) and it often merits a complete change of subject. Thats not to say I wouldn’t have cheerfully handed my kids over to the nearest passer-by at some points this month but thats life isn’t it?